Does anyone ever truly achieve a state of peace about their body?
As a woman I am constantly scrutinizing my body. From the tips of my re-growth to the bottom of my chipping purple nail polish, I am obsessed with the way I look. I wear a lot of black (it's slimming), I color my own eyebrows (they are too blond), and yes I have many unmentionable areas of my body waxed, all for the sake of "perfection". Is there such a thing as taking it too far?
Most of my friends have never seen me without my make-up. You know you are an intimate acquaintance if I let you get a glimpse of me fresh from the shower, cleanly scrubbed with a towel on my head. A simple trip to the store can be a huge undertaking for me. I have to put on the perfect outfit. Wash, dry, round-brush, and then curl my long hair (which, if I hurry, takes me approximately 1 hour--this does not include make-up, clothes, etc.). Do the same for my child. Pack my bags full of all the amenities I might need, and then get out the door. Most of which has melted off by the time my lily white skin hits the 100 degree weather of a Utah summer.
Why? What do I care? Who am I trying to impress? The constant nagging at the back of my mind that I might run into someone I know. A friend, neighbor or even *gasp* an ex-boyfriend all drive me to the brink of perfection insanity. It could be the millions of beauty, fashion and celebrity magazines, but I don't buy those anymore. These days it's Martha, and let's get real, I ain't worried about measuring up to her. However, all the make-up and all the clothes will never cover up the one glaring fact about myself that I can't hide no matter how much black I wear: I'm very unhappy with myself.
Let's face it, my bikini days are long over. My pregnancy made sure of that. Any last glimmer of a flat tummy has now been replaced by loose skin, stretch marks, and fat rolls. I've been telling my brain for months now that it's just "baby fat", but I need to get real with myself--I'm fat. There are women running marathons around my couch potato ass right now. To make matters worse, I am suffering from several health problems as a result of the extra weight. So, what do I do? Sit around and feel sorry for myself? That doesn't feel good. Keep denying that I'm overweight? Delusions never helped anyone. Continue self-destructive eating habits and crash diets? No good.
Maybe I just need to get over it all and be happy? Maybe I just need to realize that there will always be people skinnier than me, and people fatter than me. There will always be someone younger and prettier than I am. I can't control that. I can only control my own perception of myself. I think the underlying worry is that maybe if I'm ugly, then I'm not love-able. Look, I'm trying not to get too Freudian here, nor is this a desperate attempt at fishing for compliments. I'm simply trying to break-down why I keep trying so freaking hard. I want to stop obsessing over my sagging breasts, and my still-looks-pregnant belly and move on to the better things in life. I want to have fun and be free.
I watched an episode of Oprah once where a woman was set on fire by her husband. I don't remember why he did it, but whatever his motives, the damage was permanently done. She was terribly scarred--beyond recognition. When this woman spoke you could feel her inner-light, her forgiveness and her beautiful spirit radiating from beyond her deformities. It impressed me so much. I try often in my struggles for peace to remember her, and her example of self-assurance. It was amazing. I need to remember that the things that matter most are things that cannot be seen. Francis Bacon once wrote, "No picture can express the best part of beauty." The things that mean the most are not this physical shell of a body, but my heart, my mind, my spirit and my kindness towards others.
7 comments:
Meg I love you!! I think you are absolutely beautiful!! I always have! I do know how you feel though. I feel the same way!! You aren't alone in those feelings! However, it still doesn't change the fact that you are gorgeous!
In a perfect world we could all feel good about ourselves and think that we are good enough! I definitely feel your pain on this subject my friend. The depressing part is that no matter how skinny the girl is, she still hates SOMETHING about her body or appearance. I guess it keeps us humble right? Chin up, you are a beautiful, fun, amazing person on the inside and out to me!! If that doesn't help just turn on Richard Simmons and ask him for a big hug! haha
Nicely written. My boss and I have this discussion on a daily basis. We have a lot of women and girls come to us with such distorted body images! It seems like we put so much pressure on ourselves to look perfect.
I look back at pictures of myself and wonder why I wasn't happy with "that body." And I've resolved to be happy with what I have now. It's a good goal, right?
megan this is great. i'm glad to hear you speaking positively about yourself because i'm sure if you saw yourself the way i saw you, you'd know how absolutely gorgeous you are. great smile, beautiful eyes, long legs, and to top it all off a good sense of fashion. love you megan!
Ah, what a familiar conversation . . . One that I think we all have. For me, besides the changes/scars that pregnancy leaves on the body, my hang-up has long been my classical Roman nose with the bump in the middle. The bump began forming when I hit puberty; before that, people kept telling me or my mother what a beautiful child I was; afterwards, I rarely if ever heard it. A mean-spirited girl in middle school started calling me "hook-nose" and I became convinced that no one could see me beyond the hideous bump in the middle of my face. In the middle of my teenage angst, my parents, seeing how miserable I was, offered me plastic surgery if I wanted it. That really gave me pause. Was I so unhappy with what God had given me (and my grandmother, and my father, and my brother) that I would permanently change it because I thought I knew better what I should look like?
Well, obviously I decided against it. Although I still am somewhat self-conscious about it from time to time.
However, I learned a long time ago that most of my beauty is inner beauty and certainly not captured by a camera. I know next to nothing about makeup, hair, or clothes, nor have I really cared to devote much time to it. My whole morning routine can be fit into 15 minutes or less (unless I'm really enjoying my shower or finally broke down to shave my legs).
That doesn't mean that I am satisfied with my body. . . . although at times I have made peace with it. I keep trying to remind myself that God is pleased with how he made me. Yes, I struggle with weight and perceptions of weight, especially immediately postpartum. I try really hard to exercise and eat right, so my mother can stop being anxious about my weight too (she tries not to say anything, but you can sometimes just tell).
I have also learned that thinking about others gives me less time to worry about my hang-ups with myself, one of the side-benefits to serving your family, friends, etc.
And even though you're not fishing for compliments, let me just say that you are my best friend outside of Nate. I find your enthusiasm, wit, and intellect refreshing and engaging. And you certainly have made me feel much better about myself, especially when I have had people in the past constantly cutting me down and making me feel like I have less worth as a person. You have made me feel like someone who is interesting and accomplished, which in turn makes me want to be even more interesting. Thank you for that!!
I hope you know how many people love you just the way you are -- I can't even begin to tell you how many ways I'm proud of you!
Worry about what others may think is a huge stumbling block in life. Doing for yourself (your health, your family, your personal self-esteem) is another thing. Keep that in mind when you face your demons in the mirror each day, and plan your battle strategy accordingly... :o)
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who weighed-in, commented, complimented, etc. It really means a lot--not only that you took the time to read what I had to say, but to acknowledge my thoughts...
As cliche as this might sound, I think you are all beautiful people both inside and out. If you weren't, well I'm not sure we would be friends!
Some days, I am very happy with myself...others, not so much. It's a day-to-day battle, but I find that the days when I am consciously eating right and doing my Pilates or Richard Simmons (heather ;D), it makes the day a little brighter. I talk to myself a lot when I'm alone, and everyday I try and give myself three TRUE compliments while I face the mirror.
Fake it until you make it!
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