*Disclaimer* This post is not directed towards any particular person or incident. It's simply some thoughts and experiences that I wanted to share on the subject of divorce. It is not meant to offend or hurt anyone.
1. Starting new traditions. One of the hardest things about divorcing parents is letting go of your old family traditions. Sunday night meals, holidays, birthdays, vacations, and even small things such as movies, games and ordinary family outings can get thrown by the wayside in the wake of a divorce. This has been one of the harder things for me to cope with: letting go of old traditions to make way for new ones. Change is always a hard thing for anyone, but especially if you have been creating and establishing these family activities for many years.
2. Spending time with both parents separately but equally. When I'm with my mom, I'm worrying about my dad. When I'm with my dad, I feel guilty that I'm not with my mom. Finding that perfect (or imperfect) balance of spending time with your now separated parents can be tricky. It's important to let-go of the guilt you may feel, and just enjoy being in the now. I also hope parents realize it's not about favorites; we are all just doing our best.
3. Avoiding the urge to bad-mouth or gossip family members. Even the most amicable of separations seem to have a little black rain cloud of negativity hovering over them. People, by nature, are inherently flawed. I myself am guilty of gossiping and saying negative things about my family members from time-to-time. Nothing is worse for a child (no matter how old) than to find out that malicious rumors or gossip are being spread throughout a family or extended family. Please be sensitive when repeating or saying hurtful things: someone who cares might just be listening. *When you say something offensive about a parent, you are saying something offensive about their child (we are half of their DNA you know).*
4. Making sense of the situation. Nothing can rock your world or shake your foundation like a divorce. It challenges your most core beliefs about love, marriage, religion, family and values. Over the last two years I have asked myself many times over: What do I believe? What is true? Who am I? What does being an eternal family now mean for us? Was everything I thought about my parents marriage a lie? Where do I go from here? Making sense of a divorce is almost as arbitrary as finding a needle in a haystack. I'm learning that the only person I can trust or hold responsible now is myself. I need to learn to rely my instincts, and stop questioning my decisions so much. It takes a very strong person, one who can fully believe in themselves, not to waver in the face of this kind of adversity. I am trying to become this person.
11 comments:
Megan,
I want you to know that I find you an amazing woman. You give and give and give. You exude love to all. You are doing a great job with your family and I think it shows in how happy Mike and Peter are. We are so proud to have you a part of our family. Just remember that you have a fine heritage - your parents have both made you what you are today. it is now up to you what you become.
I can't add any comfort or explanation or chart on how to proceed...but I feel your pain and your angst,and it makes me wonder about the eternal plan as well. The only thing I know for sure, is that it IS all about LOVE...we love ourselves by being true to ourselves, and we love others by being true to them...it just gets wierd when those things conflict...I need every dang day of that Millenium that's coming...I keep thinking "it's OK Natalie, it's OK, you've still got a 1,000 years to get this love thing figured out."
I would like to AMethe last post, and add how I thrill at your courage and thoughts and being....
so glad you're here for the ride with me and that I get to glimpse in on the ongoings....
Meg..
I am so glad you shared your thoughts on this. I know it was probably tough, as it is a very personal and sensitive subject. Soo many people are affected by divorces, and I think you have described EXACTLY what everyone feels that has gone through it, or is going through it. When my Grandparents went through their divorce, it was really hard when we would visit my Grandma and she would say things like " Did you just go to your Grandpa's?? What was he doing?? How long were you there? Etc.." I ( as a grandchild ) felt really torn up inside about it all,as I really loved them both. So, I can't even imagine what it would be like as a child. I feel bad for both of your parents. I love them both, and have great memories in my life with each of them. So, you won't hear any negative things from me...
I think all of us go through the who am I , and What do I believe stage in our life.. That's how I got involved in my Family History, is I wanted to know where and whom I have come from, and how I fit in here on earth. That is also when I truly gained a testimony after being on both sides of the fence.
I love you, and your sisters, and we do pray for all of you. I know somewhat of what your going through, and I hate that it has happened to such an incredible family.
Even though I have been divorced, I forget that it is completely different when children/grandchildren are involved. I carried around alot of bad feelings and hate in my heart, and when I chose to let go of those feelings, and forgive ( not forget )my ex, and our marriage situation, and repent myself for my actions, it was like a ton of bricks was released of my chest. Now, I can honestly say that I do not hate him.. Oneday, things will be better. Not perfect, but better. You have a great family on both sides, and even though you are all going through this trial, I know you will get through it with the help of the Lord. I love you. Sorry for the novel~ Ann
My parents divorced when I was 12. In some ways I think it was easier than if they divorced when I was an adult and married myself. But no matter what age you experience it,it's hard and changes you forever. Through choices those changes can be for the positive or negative. Just keep doing what you are doing. I think it's good when things happen to question our beliefs - I think it helps us truly appreciate what we have and know what we have. All you can do is keep working toward you and your(immediate) families happiness and well being. And you are obviously doing a great job at that. Hang in there.
PS - I think one of the hardest things about divorces is that it never goes away. Those two people who made that decision will always be divorced, and that affects the children. And that will continue to affect future events. For example - every time we visit Dan's family, sadly the parents still fight for his time. And they have been divorced for about 20 years now! Just know you can only change or better yourself. You can't fix them or their actions. That is the hardest part because by nature, I am, a fixer. And knowing I can't prevent drama that they bring is hard. But that is the lesson I guess - you can't fix anyone but yourself.....
I have no advice or insight for you on this topic, just that I love you and I know that this has been so hard for you. You have been so strong and very good to not take sides. I am always here if you need me, you know that, just if you want to vent, I'm here.
Megan, I love you and admire you. I appreciate your courage and honesty in the face of adversity. I'm here if you ever need me! Just know that I really look up to you and am thrilled to know you.a
I was all weepy reading this post! I love both of your parents and it's so hard to not see your mom at Tenney Functions! She was so fun to be around. I also have no experience with this subject but I also know that I think it's great when children of divorced parents change their posterity and work it out with their spouse. Grandma and Grandpa Tenney are perfect examples! You and Mike make a fabulous couple and Peter is lucky to have you as parents! I am sorry and think you are the greatest!
Wow, Meg. Everything you've said in this post has been so true, not only for our parent's divorce but also for a few of my friends whose parents have gone through divorces.
It is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, and I can imagine probably ever will. Its incredible how little sympathy I had for my friends finding out about their parents separation (and believe me, I thought I was being sympathetic) because I couldn't even imagine how hard it would be.
I'm glad that you said something about age... because I literally thank God every day that I'm the youngest, that we don't have any younger siblings trying to figure this all out, because being 17 was hard enough, and I was finishing up high school.
I think it's a miracle that we're even to this point: the point of addressing our feelings on it, confidently enough to post a blog about it. I know that the only reason I have gotten through this is because of you and Kelly, and I just wanted to tell you thank you so much for everything you have done. I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have my 2 best friends be my sisters.
You are already such an amazing mother and I can't wait to see what comes next for you and your family.
Love you Megan.
Megan, I haven't been sure if I should post or not, but I'm going to go for it. I found you blog from Ann (I just happen to be her best friend) and there is just something about your post that just draw me in, so I peek every so often. I hope you don't mind.
My husbands parents have been divorced since he was 10 or so. It is honestly, still hard. They are both remarried, one happy, one not so much. One is obsessed and always wanting details about the others life. Our son just got baptized in Feb. and I stress so much over things like that. I want everyone to be comfortable, and it really doesn't work so well. I constantly amazed my husband turned out so great! I think people just really don't think before they say certain things. everything you said made sense! All you can do is just work hard to make the best of a bad situation, and I can tell you are really trying to do that! You seem like you are a WONDERFULL mom, friend, daughter and sister...well, just an all around nice person!
I hope you don't mind my commenting! Monica
Let's not forget about the positive side to divorce!
1. Twice as many birthday and holiday celebrations (and presents!)
2. You can use the divorce as a "get out of jail free card" example: "Sorry, Officer I didn't realize I was speeding/running the light/changing lanes without signaling--I just found out my parent are getting divorced"--crying at this point is recommended to increase the effect :)
3. It is easier to manipulate each parent in order to get what you want (divide and conquer!).
4. Step-Parent Shopping!
I'm sure there's more, and I post them as I think of them!
Note to Meg, Kelly and the Babe: I hope you can take this I meant it--I just could't help myself! All of the other posts were so serious! I really love you guys and I hope that you can remember that laughter is not only the best medicine, but the best defense too!
Love, Jenn
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