Today was HARD. Harder than most days. The tears and frustrations flowed freely. It was definitely one of those days where I didn't question, "Why did I get out of bed?", but "Death would be better than this misery." Was that a little over-dramatic for you all? I guess I just feel the need to be honest. I don't think there is enough of that in this world. We're all told, "This too shall pass", but you know what I've learned? Sometimes it doesn't. So for everyone who has been made stronger (because it didn't kill you), this post is for you...
We are all asked to bear different burdens at different times in our lives, but this last month I feel like Satan is working triple over-time on this girl. Just when it's safe to come out, I'm smacked upside the head with another sucker punch. It's not really anything I can share or talk about. I'm partially bound to silence, and frankly, I guess I'm just not up for it. Let's just say that for whatever reason my family and I have gone through hell and worse this year, and it doesn't seem to be letting up anytime soon.
Now consciously I KNOW that other people have burdens. So why in the midst of my self-pity and misery does it feel like I'm the only one? The only conclusions I can draw are simply that I'm either: 1. being deliberately tortured. 2. a means to an end. 3. tested. None of which sound particularly appealing at this time. I don't mean to frighten any of my friends or family by saying all of these things. I just hope that somewhere out there, someone...just ONE person might understand what I'm going through and say, "Gee, I'm glad I'm not alone."
So despite what you may think I'm not perfect. My house isn't always clean. Sometimes you can see my roots. My butt jiggles a little when I walk (and jiggles a LOT when I run). Macaroni and Cheese are on the dinner menu more often than not. My blog doesn't always have some perky anecdote for you to relate to. I occasionally experience road rage. I love to gossip. I suck at scrapbooking. Yes, I've spanked my child. And no, I won't buy anything at your Scentsy party. I'm just warning you all now, so you can set your standards for me on "low". *sigh* OK Meg, enough malevolence for one evening. I probably should take myself off to bed before I offend anyone else.
After all, tomorrow is another day, right?
9 comments:
Big hug from a long way away. Sorry, hon. If it's any consolation, a couple weeks ago I was feeling the same, and was wondering if God even cared! I'm sorry you're suffering, and I wish there was something I could do. (Apart from, as ever, offer a place to stay in England!)
p.s. having a house that isn't always perfectly clean and occasionally getting road rage doesn't set my expectations for you on low. Sorry to disappoint!
I am sooo sorry Meg. I will have to give you a call! :) The whole last paragraph I can totally relate to! :)Most people can.
Most of us on this side of the family seem to have road rage. Hmmm. I wonder where it came from?
We are ALL not perfect. Sometimes we CAN'T express all of the things we want to in our blogs, so we seem like we have hunky-dory lives. Not the case.
I hope today is a better one!
I Love you!
As you do not know me, probably not at all, my friend, I can tell you that you are not alone. For the past few months, I have had the exact same feelings.
I wasn't sure if it was because we are trying to do what is right, or the calling (I believe you and I share the same calling in our wards) or if Satan has been having a hay day with everything important to me, or if this is one of my life changing trials that I everytime I stand back up, something new has to knock me back down. I have had multiple days of crying, my husband cries (which in the 9 years we have been married, I have never ever seen him do). And I can really relate to the feeling like I am the only one struggling.
Those that are having hardships in the same areas that my little family and I are are going through are going on vacation, and shopping and everything seems just fine. Am I over reacting or something, why am I the only one having a life altering experience? I can't even find the inspiration to fix my daughter a bowl of cereal for dinner and she is begging me for something to eat. Is my depression making me a terrible parent? Oh, great, now I have to deal with that guilt!
My friend, you are not alone, and I don't know if you can feel it, but the world is changing and we will never be the same. But you and I both know that there is always hope. You just have to be strong enough to put the armour on and fight back to the negativity (that is the exploding and screaming in the head that everything is falling apart). Are these the blessings of being righteous? Great, just great! I think I will pass! But I know better.
You are blessed and you have to find happiness in your purpose and your life mission. Hang it there and No Megan, you are not alone! And even though we do not know each other very well, I send you my love and happiness vibe and today will be a better day! -Suzanne
You gave me chills when you mentioned children's lit. HUGE fan, even took a class on it in collage. When you mentioned the Witch at Blackbird Pond, I gasped. That was my favorite book in the 5th grade and yes I have seen the Rebecca movie on Comcast (when we use to have cable) and I LUV IT! Since you like chil'lit, I highly recommend The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Short read but it is life changing! After Eden, I am starting into the books you suggested! Oh, I am so glad I have met you!
So I have actually written you several comments and then erased them, when I finally actually got out what it is I was trying to say, my daughter turned off the computer right before I posted it. So here I go again. I am sorry that life is hard for you right now. I really am. I'm glad you shared your thoughts and frustrations though. I find it refreshing to read something that is not patty caked and made to look like your life is perfect. I don't know how you feel and I don't know exactly what it is thats dragging you down, but I do know and understand what it feels like to be sucker punched at every turn. I know what it feels like to watch your family implode. I know sadness, because I have spent most of my life there.
You are being way to hard on yourself, everyone needs to melt down every once in a while. I think it helps us strive for more, I think that it reminds us we can't do things without the help of others. Each of my struggles have brought me closer to my Father in Heaven , so I figure thats why I have so many troubles. I hope you can find a way to reach out to him and find understanding.
Geez I LOVE YOU!!!! You are light and goodness and truth. Truth is pain sometimes. Pain is in the plan. THe plan sucks alot of the time. When you have your world I'm coming with YOU!!!
Natalie
I'm glad we got that settled that I won't come to your scentsy party either!! haha Sorry you had a bad day, those are the worst. I'm glad I called you! I'll hopefully see you tonight!
hahahaha! Oh man meg. I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you! Anyway, i just want you to know that right now there are dishes in my sink, enough laundry to last me a month, and I'm hoping that the color of my boy's carpet hasn't changed since I can't remember the last time I saw it. Plus I can probably guarentee you there are at least 2 food items somewhere hidden in their room that are more than a week old. haha. Ya know, an old peice of bread, half and apple, it's been a constant battle basically ever since they saw the Chipmonk movie. They want to store away food for the winter apparently. So no, you are not alone in that department.
As for the other stuff it might make you feel better that I had a frustrating enough week with my boys to go out and spend $60 on parenting books last night. They are helping a little. I know your situation is different from mine since you mentioned frustration with your family, not PK though (btw, you are so cute doing laundry with him! You're such a good mom.) All I can say on that account is that counseling has helped me deal a lot better with my family.
Preayer works. Hang in there. If you get a chance, get your hands on a very short book (finished in on cd in under 2 hours I think) called "The Fourth Watch...When your prayers seem unanswered" by S Micheal Wilcox.
love you!
love amie
I love you.
Camille
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